If you know Randy Powell, you’ll know he loves to talk about bears. His office is littered with the critters: Teddy bears, bears in books, even a convincing (though miniature) stuffed grizzly bear posed like it’s scraping bark off a tree. Randy Powell is a man with a dream. A dream that one day, all people will be able to watch the news, get rained on at the beach, or be cut off by yet another slow driver on the freeway and say, “It’s not a bear!” Over the past few years, Randy has been spreading the bear gospel to his therapy clients, supervisees, churches across the nation, and pretty much anyone who will listen.
But Randy can’t do this job alone. So, like Captain America, he’s assembled a team of passionate, wise, intelligent people to help. And also me.
My name is Jake Stowell. I’ve worked with Randy at Journeys Counseling Ministry for over 5 years. I’m an LMFT and an author on the side. I’ve self-published two novels: one fantasy, the other a historical fiction superhero book. Over the course of several delicious lunches, Randy convinced me to partner with him to write a book in his It’s Not A Bear! series. Our book would be tailored for parents.
As I’ve chipped away at this project, with Randy contributing insights, edits, and a surprisingly small amount of micro-managing, I’ve become increasingly aware of how badly my clients need this book. One of my niches as a therapist is counseling young people: kids and teens. Working with youngsters requires working with their parents. As a parent of two young boys myself, I understand how challenging the job can be. My job as a psychotherapist often feels like a break from my “real job” as a parent. On an almost daily basis, I encounter a parent who feels out of their depth. They’re struggling to manage their reactions to their kids’ behaviors, feeling guilty for their kids’ mental illness, unsure what to do about developmental milestones, or failing to co-parent with their ex. Fear drives these parents’ decisions. In other words, they are living in a state of Vigilance.
Parenting Is Not A Bear! is for parents who, like myself, struggle to manage their intense, automatic reactions with their children. It’s for parents who want to do right by their kids, who want to raise children to be responsible, loving, God-honoring adults despite how confusing and overwhelming our world can be.
Countless books have been written about parenting, but most focus only on the needs of the child. Parenting books tend to educate parents about child development, instructing them how to read their baby’s cues or how to get their teens off screens. Parenting Is Not A Bear! takes a different approach. It seeks to guide parents from Vigilant Parenting, guided by fear, toward Vibrant Parenting, guided by beliefs and values. It helps parents move out of a shame cycle and acknowledge how they, too, are growing and developing.
Vigilant Parenting is characterized by a lack of insight, or understanding oneself. As a result, the Vigilant parent’s stress response runs the show. Stressful situations are naturally handled as though they are threats against the parent’s life or, worse, their kids’ lives. A parent’s body doesn’t understand the difference between stress from a grizzly bear attack and a child refusing to brush his teeth. This is what we mean by It’s Not A Bear! On the other hand, Vibrant Parents learn to distinguish between bears and squirrels. Though a child’s defiance over toothbrushing can feel as stressful as a bear attack, it is still a squirrel. Vibrant Parents learn to identify Add-Ons that make squirrel situations feel like bear situations. They become wiser and more in control of their responses, helping them avoid acting out of survival instincts.
Vigilant Parents suffer from a misplaced sense of responsibility. They feel responsible for tantrums, poor grades, even friendships. On one hand, they might understand the adage, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink,” but below the surface they will still feel like a bad parent when their child gets into trouble. As human beings, we are finite creatures. Each of us can only control ourselves, and even this is a struggle sometimes. The Vibrant Parent accepts this truth and takes responsibility for what they can control.
Parenting is stressful work. One moment, your children are playing quietly while you do the dishes, the next, your baby is toddling through the living room with a kitchen knife pulled from the dishwasher. In case you’re wondering, that situation is a bear! Most of the time, however, the stress we experience has nothing to do with bears. In Parenting Is Not A Bear! you’ll learn to identify your internal reactions. These serve as clues to a heightened stress response and warn you to watch yourself. You’ll learn to hesitate before reacting, so you can ask yourself, “Is this situation really a bear?” If it isn’t a bear, you’ll be able to use some wonderful skills to help yourself relax so you can re-engage the wise, non-fearful parts of your brain to make a decision. Finally, you’ll learn to rejoice, building confidence and altering your brain chemistry toward Vibrant thinking.
Parenting Is Not A Bear! balances self-care with child care. As a parent learns to recognize their reactions and builds awareness into their Add-Ons, those pesky factors that make small issues feel like grizzly bear attacks, they model this wisdom to their children. Likewise, as they learn to identify when a situation is a bear and when it’s more of a squirrel, they will guide their children to do the same. They won’t be minimizing their children’s reactions but helping them be more accurate. As parents practice the five phases of It’s Not A Bear! with their children, the entire family benefits from greater wisdom, deeper understanding, and improved emotional intelligence.
As of writing this article, we’ve completed the first draft of Parenting Is Not A Bear! God willing, we hope to have the book finished by the end of 2025. If this book sounds interesting to you, if you have any questions, or if you would like to offer insight, please don’t hesitate to reach out to Jake and Randy. We’d love to hear from you.
Thanks for reading. God bless you, and please remember that, with God’s help, you can handle anything - even parenting!
Jake’s email:
jstowell@journeyscounseling.com
Randy’s email:
rpowell@journeyscounseling.com